Arguing with Your Inner Critic: Strategies for Positive Self-Talk

In 26 years of practice the mistake I see most often is arguing with the feeling instead of the belief. The feeling is downstream and it will not negotiate. The belief is a prediction, and predictions revise when they are contradicted often enough by evidence you supply.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but arguing can bring you more peace and happiness: arguing with yourself, that is. You know that incessant chatter inside your head that keeps a running commentary on all that happens, critiquing and second-guessing your every move? For most of us, that inner voice is harsh, even downright nasty. It drones on and on with never-ending criticisms, judgments, and comparisons.

My inner critic used to be very harsh. Years ago, she delighted in constantly telling me that I wasn’t a good enough wife, mother, friend, or daughter; that I couldn’t possibly succeed on my own; that I wasn’t smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, and so on. My inner witch was partially responsible for years of an overwhelming sense of fear, anxiety, and panic.

Arguing with Your Inner Critic

I want you to know that you don’t have to believe that voice in your head. You can shut it up and even make friends with it. If I can do it, you can too!

Where Does the Critical Inner Voice Come From?

The internal voice in all of us is made up of our subconscious thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. Some of it comes from your present and recent past. But most of this background noise is made up of memories and programming from childhood. It’s mostly your “junk”: wounds, fears, pain. As you grow up, you take this negative material into your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world without realizing it. That subconscious filter becomes the lens you see life through and use to make sense of what happens. So, as an adult, you see the world through the wounds of your childhood. That lasts until you choose to change your perspective and build healthier neural pathways, the connections your brain uses.

This subconscious chatter largely determines your relationship with yourself, your partner, and your career. This harsh inner voice has a big effect on how you act and what you decide. Over time, it shapes the direction of your life. Your “junk” can keep you from living the life you want and becoming the person you want to be. This stream of thought affects how you make sense of the world and respond to it. On the one hand, your inner voice can encourage and support you. That, in turn, can help you be more resilient, achieve more, and feel happier. On the other hand, it can sabotage your career and relationships, undermine your confidence, and contribute to stress, anxiety, and depression.

Your Internal Voice Determines Whether You Live in a Hostile or Friendly World

We all have this constant inner dialogue going on in our heads to some degree. It shapes how we see ourselves and colors our attitudes. It also shapes whether we see the world we live in as hostile or friendly. Whether your inner voice is your best friend or worst enemy depends on you. It doesn’t have to hurt you. If you notice it, and then correct and steer it on purpose, it can become your friend and help you.

Perhaps you don’t even recognize how often the nagging, limiting voice shows up because it’s just part of the subconscious transcript your brain has running all the time. It’s your norm or what I call your ‘default setting.’ Becoming aware of your recurring beliefs and negative thought patterns that cause problems for you and beginning to challenge them and infuse intentional, more positive material can produce happier feelings and a much more optimistic you.

Your Thoughts Shape Your Brain and Life

How you feel largely depends on the thoughts that run through your head. The quickest way to change how you feel is to change how you think. Science has documented many benefits of positive emotions. They improve physical health and build trust and compassion. Positive emotions help protect against symptoms of depression and help people recover from stress. They can even undo the harmful effects of negative emotions. Frequent positive emotions, felt and shown, make people more resilient and resourceful. Positive emotions also help people feel more connected to others.

Your thoughts and emotions shape both the physical form and the function of your brain. This ability is called neuroplasticity. Your brain is a feedback loop. Good thoughts and feelings today make good thoughts and feelings tomorrow more likely. The opposite is also true. So, we need to make sure you are talking to yourself in a way that yields positive feelings and encourages and supports you.

How Are You Arguing with Your Inner Critic?

I recommend starting by responding to your negative inner thoughts “as if they were uttered by an external person whose mission is to make your life miserable.” In other words, you want to argue with and shut up your inner critic. I call this process disputation.

We can begin this by working through the ABCDE model, developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, to create a framework for you to examine and challenge your spontaneous internal thoughts in a new way. Once you learn how to control your mind, you will notice yourself gaining control of your life.

Adversity

Recognize when adversity hits. Consider what happened right before you had the thought or emotional response, such as anxiety, sadness, or anger. When you become more aware of the events that usually set off strong emotions, you can learn to see your reactions coming. You can also be better prepared to handle the emotions that come up.

Beliefs

Become aware of the automatic assumptions, expectations, and beliefs you hold about whatever triggered you. Notice the script that’s running through your mind and what you’re saying to yourself. Write your thoughts down in a journal. Instead of judging your thoughts and beliefs as right or wrong, just notice them.

Consequences

Look at the emotional and other consequences of your beliefs. What do you feel, and how do you feel pushed to act, when you accept what the inner critic says as true? How does this affect you mentally and emotionally and in other areas of your life? Be specific. Do the likely consequences fit what you want, what you value, and who you want to be? Consequences are more than the outcome of the event. They also show up in how you act and feel. Sometimes you see clear consequences in the outside world. Other times they’re internal, such as overwhelming anxiety or sadness.

Disputation

This is where you get to argue with yourself. Question your beliefs, assumptions, and expectations. Zoom out, look at the situation from a broader perspective, or even try on an opposing viewpoint. For example, ask yourself:

• What is the evidence for my existing beliefs?
• Are there other possible explanations?
• What are the implications of my believing this thought and is it helping me? Does it feel right to believe this any longer?
• How useful are my beliefs? Do I or others get any benefits from maintaining them or would I be better served by adopting new beliefs?

Effects

Notice what happens when you examine and dispute your thinking. Once you spot your emotionally charged beliefs about something and see them clearly, you can start to come up with thoughts that support and help you. Disputing your beliefs and thoughts can change your energy and mood in any situation. What you planned to do, and the solutions and outcomes you see, might change as well.

It’s also entirely possible that you will confirm your original beliefs and intended course of action, but that’s okay for now. With my unique approach, we will debunk that old belief system, quickly and more importantly, durably. The crucial thing is that you are now able to approach the situation with awareness and mindfully, then inherently choose your behavior.

When You Change the Way You Think, You Change Your Brain and Life

Over time and through my program, becoming aware of your inner voice, naming your emotions, challenging your thoughts, and consciously choosing more encouraging, supportive self-talk, will help build a more positive brain and turn down your stress response significantly. Arguing with yourself can change your thoughts and beliefs to help make you happier and more optimistic, and it unequivocally supports optimal brain function. Often, I have seen this work in reducing the amount of arguing with other people in your life, which is a clear win-win.

References

1. Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0048577201393198
2. Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410-422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

Disputing a belief once doesn’t change much. Real-Time Neuroplasticity™ works at the moment the critical voice fires, which is when the prediction behind it is briefly open to revision.